It’s 10:02am in Nashville, Tennessee.  Thursday December 13th, 2018.  My name is Tim Dillard, and if you’re reading this looking for the latest up-to-the-minute coverage of the 2018 Major League Baseball Winter Meetings… then I apologize, this isn’t one of those articles.  In fact, if you’re not in the mood to hear mostly incoherent ramblings from a bearded, smaller than life, Minor League free agent… then you may want to go ahead and X right on out of this thing.  Just tap the back button on your screen, it’s usually in the corner somewhere.  I guess swiping is also an option now depending on your phone.

10:05am  Anyway, if you’re still here, please lower your expectations a bit.  Like I mentioned earlier my name is Tim Dillard.  I’ve been pitching in professional baseball for 16 years.  To answer the question you’re currently thinking:  the hardest pitch I ever threw was 97 miles per hour.  And to answer your next question:  yes, Chase Utley DID almost hit it through the right-centerfield wall. (no more questions)

10:07am  My first season was back in 2003, and I used phone cards to call my parents.  Nowadays I have my own phone, and a website, a podcast, a twitter, and occasionally write for MLB Trade Rumors… when I’m super desperate for cash.  Which happens quite often since I’ve played 93.75% of my professional baseball career in the Minor Leagues.  This percentage could be wrong however, it’s been a while since I was graded in the math department.  (It was a C in college algebra BTW… but I’m not here to brag)

10:11am  Actually, the only reason I decided to write anything today was because the Winter Meetings have been plastered all over MLB Network this week, and it made me think about the time I snuck into the 2015 Winter Meetings in Nashville.

10:12m  I always wondered what went on at MLB’s Winter Meetings, but never had much desire to attend.  It appeared to be more for sports agents, sports writers, and General Managers… and the only players I ever heard about attending were the guys signing million dollar deals or the guys meeting up with their agent person for a free dinner.

10:14am  But during the 2015 off-season I found myself right in the middle of the event.  I was once again a Minor League free agent… which is just a fancy word for unemployed.  And if you’re still looking for a job when mid-December rolls around… trepidation creeps in.  (fancy word for panic)  Every year it gets more and more difficult for older Four-A guys like myself to find places to play.  (Four-A is the term for the group of crusty ball players caught in the web between Triple-A and The Show)

10:17am  So by the time the December Meetings rolled around, I had already called, texted, emailed, twittered, Facebook stalked, smoke signaled, and Game of Thrones raven messaged literally everyone I knew looking for a Minor League spring training invite.

10:21am  I contacted (including… but not limited to) General Managers, assistant GM’s, managers, coaches, coordinators, scouts, farm directors, field coordinators, clubhouse personnel, statisticians, bat boys, and at least 2 mascots.  Unfortunately, I received nothing but crickets.

10:23am  Around the moment I was filling out my Rodan+Fields application so I could sell stuff to my friends… my parents called me.  My dad, former Major League infielder, former Minor League coach, and STILL current role model, told me to try one more thing… a last attempt.  He spoke of a tradition.  A tradition that has seemingly faded away in the age of technology.  The dying art of a handshake at the MLB Winter Meetings.

10:28am  As the story goes, the Winter Meetings was once a place where players could see organizational decision-makers face to face, and ask for a job.  A situation where people who love the game too much to give it up, could “randomly” bump into baseball executives.  So that’s what I did.  Uninvited and determined, I walked into Major League Baseball’s 2015 Winter Meetings with coffee… and a handful of homemade business cards that read: “Tim Dillard RHP” (right-handed pitcher)

10:34am  The massive indoor resort was filled with people from every realm of the baseball universe.  A circus complete with press conferences, interviews, speeches, tv shows, and award ceremonies.  All of which could be accessed with proper credentials… I had no such credentials, so I just walked around.

10:36am  After parading for an hour, I decided to stand at a strategically positioned walkway.  (between the Media Area, hotel rooms, and Starbucks of course)  And so for the next 6 hours I shook many new hands, hugged many old friends, and handed out many RHP cards.  The first person I saw was my former teammate Gabe Kapler!  At the time he was with the Dodgers, but now he’s the Phillies manager.  He asked me what I’ve been doing after all these years, and I told him I was still pitching.  “Still?” he said.  Right after him I saw my former manager Ned Yost!  He was fresh off a World Series Title with the Royals and thought it would be the perfect time to ask him for a job.  After a big hug he said, “Sorry Timmy, I don’t handle the hiring of Minor League coaches.”

10:41am  The next day I stood in the same spot for 7 hours.  By this time people thought I worked there, and began asking me for directions.  I also successfully gave my information to the Cincinnati Reds’ stadium announcer… I thought he was a coach.  Minutes later I saw Astros and D’Backs legend Luis Gonzalez!  I reminded him that my dad coached him years ago, and that I used to shine his shoes!  He was very cool and friendly until I divulged how I once saw him and tried to get his attention by yelling across the parking lot of a Phoenix area pizzeria in 2007.  Suddenly he was late for a meeting.

10:47am  Day three was more of the same.  “Take the left hallway at the top of the escalator, and Starbucks will be on your right.”  But after noticing there wasn’t many baseball people walking around, I left my post and went searching.  I caught wind of some Farm Directors talking with Minor League stadium GM’s over at the MLB Trade Show… unfortunately an Access Pass and name tag was needed to get in.  So I went and stole one.

10:49am  Once inside the Trade Show, I marveled at all of its wonders.  Booths and stands of Louisville Slugger bats, Wilson gloves, Franklin batting gloves, a Racing Sausage, Majestic shirts, bobbleheads, New Era hats, Cheeto-infused popcorn, and a speed pitch booth!

10:50am  I couldn’t find anybody wearing a MLB team polo, so I strolled over to the speed pitch area. The nice people there told me that if I can throw one of the three balls 88 miles per hour into the net, I’d win a signed Nolan Ryan baseball!  “Give me the ball.” I smirked.  These dudes had no idea that I was a professional pitcher, but I knew I was about to go home with a Nolan Ryan ball!  After I wiped orange popcorn off my fingers I let it rip.  First throw… 74 mph.  I was just warming up.  Next throw… 81 mph.  “Oh crap!” I thought.  The final pitch I threw with everything I had… 84 mph.  (I never wanted a DeLorean so bad in my life)

10:54am  Discouraged by my throwing performance and the 20 hours I had spent standing over the last 3 days… it was time for me to go home.  Arguably the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my 13 seasons up to that point.  Even more difficult than the time I tried to make pitches on a mound in Mexico while toeing a buried cinder block.

10:56am  THEN!  Just minutes after the MLB Rule 5 Draft had concluded and my feet heading toward the exit, I heard my name!  Milwaukee Brewers Farm Director Tom Flanagan was flagging me down, and telling me the Rule 5 Draft had possibly opened up an opportunity for me!  We shook hands…  a week later I was a Brewer.

10:58am  Currently I’m a free agent once again (for the 10th time) and would have loved to revisit the Winter Meetings, but wasn’t able to make it over to Las Vegas.  Instead I’ve been intensely watching the TV to see which team is the most desperate for pitching.

11:00am  Oh man gotta go!  The Rule 5 Draft is coming on… never know!

To Be Concluded…

It’s 7:01am in Pheonix, Arizona.  Saturday March 31st, 2018.  My name is Tim Dillard.  The name may sound familiar, but you’d be wrong.  Right now though, I’m a nervous professional baseball player in the final decision making days of Minor League Spring Training Camp.  Actually, at this EXACT moment, I’m waiting for my clothes to finish washing in the hotel laundry room.  I figured if I make a Triple-A team, a Double-A team, or get sent home… I need to at least smell like a success.

7:05am  Like I said my name is Tim Dillard, a (off and on) player in the Milwaukee Brewers Organization for the last sixteen seasons, and sometimes I write things like this for MLB Trade Rumors.  In fact, MLBTR did a nationwide talent search for veteran Minor League side-arm pitchers who sport great beards, struggle with grammer, and have a knack for avoiding the Big Leagues… and I was crowned the winner!  So here we are.

7:07am  The Major Leaguers Spring Training Camp has apparently ended with Thursday’s Opening Day… which explains the unusually short lines at the Louis Vuitton Backpack store.   And also means that Minor League team rosters will be revealed soon!

7:08am  Oddly enough, my previous fifteen seasons in professional baseball have actually NOT prepared me for that giant life-altering moment when informed if I made a team or not.  It can be a very stressful time of year for Minor Leaguers like myself.  Players in the farm system are anticipating their April fate… all the while juggling potential flights, apartment leases, equipment shipping, roommates, and which direction to point their car.

7:11am  Talking about roster cuts with a couple of guys last night, we agreed the hardest part of spring training is probably: looking back at all the months of hard offseason work, and all the long spring days that were put in… and having that mean basically nothing in the end.

7:14am  It’s difficult to get and keep a job in baseball.  For me, I try not to focus on the things I can’t control.  Instead, I focus solely on being the best well-rounded pitcher I can be, and doing whatever I can to impress the coaching staff and the decision makers… but also setting aside time every day to guilt trip them with pictures of my three kids.

7:22am  As I was just putting my clothes in the dryer, it occurs to me that most of my baseball season wardrobe is actually older than my kids.  I have two pearl button-up shirts I bought my first season in 2003, three pairs of Brewers issued Russell Athletic mesh shorts from 2004-2006, a discount G by Guess zip hoodie I got in 2008 spring training, a Hot Topic Star Wars t-shirt from 2009, a Buckle sweatshirt from 2010, and a short-sleeve collared shirt LaTroy Hawkins gave me in 2011. (thank God for my wonderful wife… who finally convinced me to to get rid of my seven Affliction shirts two seasons ago)

7:27am  Anyway, perhaps this means I struggle with change or maybe have a hard time letting go of things. (I wasn’t a psych major in college… but I did ace Baseball Theory)

7:28am  Obviously one of the hot topics this spring has been the new rule changes.  Of course the Minor Leagues still has the ever important “shot clock” for pitchers, but now there’s a limit to mound visits.  However, the biggest change this season is with extra innings.  Starting in the tenth inning of every Minor League game, the visiting team will began with a runner on second base.  This was put in place in an attempt to prevent super long games.  And even though this is a seemingly huge change to the entity of baseball, it actually doesn’t bother me that much… as long as all the players get Goldfish crackers and Caprisuns after the game.

7:38am  Oh yeah I almost forgot, the other day I saw my former catcher from 2006 J.C. Boscan who’s now a coordinator for the Kansas City Royals.  He said he enjoys reading my Inner Monologues, and asked me why he hasn’t been mentioned in any of them.  So this is me mentioning him.  J.C. also wanted me to mention the RBI double he hit off me in 2015… but I told him there’s no chance I’d share that!

7:43am  You know that’s probably the thing I look forward to the most every spring is catching up with old friends, former teammates, and coaches.  And just the people around the game that spring training brings together.  Like a few weeks ago when I met Ron Shelton the writer and director of Bull Durham!  The classic baseball movie that younger teammates quote to me constantly… “You’ve been in the Majors?”.

7:48am  Or this past week when I also met for the first time (and got three bro-hugs from) 5X All-Star and 2015 World Series MVP Salvador Pérez!  Pérez told me he follows me on Instagram and wanted my autograph!  Actually that’s not true.  Salvy didn’t want my autograph.  But yeah that’s right… I call him Salvy now.

7:54am  Minor League spring trainings are memorable.  And I’m thankful to have yet another one, but I assure you, every player is ready to trade in the morning practices and lunchtime games, for a chance to sleep in and battle opponents under some lights!

7:58am  Spring training is like watching one of Michael Bay’s Transformers movies… it looks cool and starts out exciting, but toward the end your clawing your eyes out.

8:01am  That buzz means my old weathered clothes… are ready for another season.

To Be Concluded…

It’s 4:13pm in Pheonix, Arizona.  Thursday March 1st, 2018.  My name is Tim Dillard.  I’m a Minor League baseball player in spring training hoping to win a job for my 16th professional season.  Currently though, I’m seated in a hotel hallway waiting patiently for the maintenance man to fix whatever’s wrong with Room 124.  About this time last year MLB Trade Rumors asked if I’d be interested in writing for them.  I told them I was VERY interested… but couldn’t promise the same enthusiasm from the reader.  So I’m taking this hotel hallway hiatus to explain how I got here today.

4:18pm:  After the Triple-A season was over last year, the Milwaukee Brewers signed me back, and extended me a BIG invitation… to Minor League spring training camp.  They offered free coffee at all of their Minor League affiliates, so it was a no brainer.

4:20pm: Two weeks ago I loaded my spikes, gloves, cup, and other equipment into my 2005 Mercury Mariner (Mercury was a car company that used to exist) and drove 1,600 miles from Nashville to Phoenix.  Leaving behind my wife, my three kids, my friends, my dog, my house, my bed… actually it wasn’t that hard leaving the dog behind.  That’s not mean to say.  She’s like 84 in dog years, and probably doesn’t even know I left.  And just like everybody else… there’s a good chance she’ll never read this anyway.

4:23pm: During last year’s drive to spring training, I visited the vast and awe inspiring Grand Canyon for the first time!  Truly amazing!  So to try and top that marvelous experience, I stopped this year and visited the one and only Meteor Crater just outside of Winslow, Arizona!!  It was ok I guess… seemed a bit small.

4:27pm: The maintenance man is still working hard.  And I really need to get in the room to charge my computer, but honestly if my computer dies and I can’t finish this… it’s probably best for everyone.

4:28pm: Anyway, when the 27-hour cross-country meteor adventure ended, I once again found myself in the spring training atmosphere.  You know, spring training is hard for a baseball player.  It’s long hours, very difficult, very tiring, and very demanding… but good thing for me I’m a pitcher!  And today, pitchers were done before lunch, so after a few awkward minutes on the treadmill, I skedaddled over to Taco Bell!  (If the $1 Beefy Fritos Burrito doesn’t sum up the Minor League lifestyle…. nothing does.)

4:33pm: Pitchers however, do have in-depth conversations about the pitching craft — like the other day during stretch when we were talking about pick-off moves to first base.  I, without being asked, decided to just start dropping all sorts of knowledge on the subject.  But after several minutes of talking, one of the young guys asked me just how many pick-offs I had in my career.  I pretended to think for a moment (like I don’t know ALL my stats off hand), then answered: “Well, in my career I’ve thrown over 1,200 innings… and um… yeah I’ve never actually picked anyone off before.”  They all looked a bit surprised.  Then shaking his head, the young buck said: “Are you for real?  You’ve thrown over 1,200 innings?  Wow, how old are you?”

4:39pm: So yeah, so far it’s been a typical spring training for me.

4:39pm: Earlier today, a group of pitchers were in the clubhouse talking about the upcoming season.  They were picking brains, listing philosophies, and asking each other all sorts of questions.  I kind of walked into the discussion right after I completed a heavy total body lift.  (And by heavy total body lift I mean… filming a dumb video for my social media.  In my defense, I did film it in the weight room!)  But not really knowing the topic, and not really hearing the question, I was asked something by one of the guys.  I could’ve said nothing or asked them to repeat the question.  But instead I just made up an answer.  With four sets of eyes on me, and ears waiting to listen, I dug deep.  Looked straight at them and said: “W.W.N.R.D.”

4:44pm: “Huh?”

4:44pm: “W.W.N.R.D.?  What’s that mean?”  Making sure I had all my letters correct I said with utmost confidence: “W.W.N.R.D…. What. Would. Nolan. Ryan. Do.”

4:45pm: Not entirely sure if what had just came out of my mouth made sense or not… I just went ahead and treated it as a mic drop moment, and sauntered out the door back toward the weight room.  (I had forgotten my camera stand in there.)

4:48pm: When I walked back into the weight room, I noticed a Yankees game was on TV and CC Sabathia was pitching.  With name-dropping in mind, I quickly jumped on a treadmill and started talking to the guy jogging next to me.  “Yeah.  I was teammates with CC Sabathia with the Brewers way back in 2008 you know.  In fact, about a month ago I actually FaceTimed with CC on Bill Hall’s iPhone for like 7 minutes!”

4:52pm: It was only then I noticed the rookie Dominican pitcher take out his tiny headphones, look at me and say: “Hola Dealer!”

…

9:02pm: Alright I’m back.  Here’s the update.  My computer gave up and ran out of juice earlier.  I was finally able to get into the hotel room.  Apparently my room or the room above had a plumbing problem.  The maintenance man was very nice, but I could’ve done without that empty Taco Bell bags comment.

9:04pm: It’s getting late… time for Advil.  W.W.N.R.D.

To Be Concluded…

It’s 8:13am on Tuesday January 16th, 2018.   My name is Tim Dillard.  Some of my personal achievements include, and are probably limited to… possessing more than twenty-seven free tee-shirts, owning six Star Wars coffee mugs, highjacking Tim Kurkjian’s microphone, beating Super Mario Bros. in under nine minutes, and was once given beard-care advice from Canada’s The Bachelor.  I’ve also been a pitcher in professional baseball for the last fifteen seasons.  With a HUGE majority of that experience being spent in the Minor Leagues.  However, this one time in the Big Leagues, I did make fun of Trevor Hoffman’s cutoff sleeves… he laughed.

8:15am  If this is your first time reading my Inner Monologue, I’d just like to say… shame on you!  And… no excuse!  But also kindly remind you that I’ve written ten others you should totally check out.  MLB Trade Rumors was so desperate, that when I begged for them to post my articles they said NO.  But later said YES!  So did you hear that kids, persistance percistence pursistance presistence percystence PERSISTENCE pays off!

8:18am  Currently I’m trying to come up with something interesting and baseball related to type about… but for now I’ll just enjoy coffee out of my Princess Leia mug.  It has two handles that act as her famous hair buns.  Definitely as cool and nerdy as it sounds, and is probably my favorite mug in recent memory.

8:19am  When I was FIVE years old I had an awesome Budweiser Clydesdales mug.  I guess that could sound bad… but it was a promotional giveaway from the South Bend White Sox baseball team in way back in 1988.  We were living in South Bend, Indiana and my fasha Steve Dillard was the team’s manager.  I loved that mug, but almost every day that summer, a certain outfielder would take that horse mug right out my tiny locker.  He’d stuff a paper towel down in it, and then use it to spit tobacco.  Usually I found it nasty and abandoned in the training room.  So I’d grab the mug and immediately go scrub and rinse the thing until it was once again spotless.  But by the end of the season, due to my lack of proper dish care techniques, I had inadvertently scrubbed those majestic beasts right off the side of the mug! (a tear just hit my keyboard)

8:26am  You know, forgiveness is a very important lesson to learn in life… and one day, I plan on forgiving that man.

8:27am  Spending most of my childhood at Minor League baseball stadiums, is probably the reason I enjoy giveaways so much.  For eleven years I ate my cereal out of a 1990 Tucson Toros helmet bowl!  (to this day, the logo is still intact, because it’s gently hand washed after every feeding)

8:29am  You know those softy balls that are thrown into the stands during baseball games?  Well in 1993, at age ten, I thought up, planned, and executed the theft of nine, that’s right, NINE Kane County Cougars promo balls. (not my proudest moment)  During the getaway, I also fell and scraped the back of my hand.  I still carry the scar.  And now, the back of my hand is a reminder, that if you steal… you will fall down and scrape your hand.

8:33am  To protect my eyes in years 2010 to 2015, I wore giveaway sunglasses from the Nashville Sounds’ Roy Orbison Night!  My first two pairs were broken when accidentally sat on.  Hard to believe, but my last pair of the free Orbison specs were actually stolen… by the Pacific Ocean. (I hope the Pacific Ocean fell down and scraped its hand)

8:36am  Rally towel giveaways, bobblehead giveaways, tee-shirt giveaways, hat giveaways, football giveaways, and then there’s firework nights, superhero nights, Disney Nights, and don’t even get me started on Star Wars nights!

8:38am  In 2016, I was part of a Harry Potter Night at the ballpark.  Dozens of people were dressed in very authentic costumes from the movie saga.  They would act out scenes on the field in-between innings and also helped with the Culver’s Build-A-Burger Race.  I’m usually way away from the action down in the bullpen, but I ran to the dugout when Harry Potter himself was casting spells next to it.  Our first baseman leaned over the railing and asked if they were part of some sort of Fan Club.  Harry stopped, turned, and said, “What?  Most certainly not!  We are students at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!”

8:44am  We all kind of laughed, then we asked Harry, “So then you’re like, part of a costumed acting class or something?”  Once again not breaking character, and waving his wand he said, “No!  These are our house robes you MUGGLE!”  

8:46am  And that was the game… where I apparently met the REAL Harry Potter.

8:47am  But the greatest giveaway theme night in the history of the world was in 1994.  My dad was the manager of the Quad City River Bandits in Davenport, Iowa.  And I was an eleven year-old thief with a sweet tooth.  And then it happened.  Like, something out of a dream… TWINKIE NIGHT!!  Literally all-you-can-eat Twinkies!  I remember pallets and pallets of Twinkies piled high at every entrance to the stadium!  I ate a dozen before First Pitch, or as I like to call it, before “Mom Shows Up”.  But as my Twinkie count went up, my excitement level went down.  And by the 7th Inning Stretch I was sick.  Realizing I couldn’t eat any more, I had to concoct a plan to maximize this special night.

8:55am  Instead of trying to put a bunch of Twinkies in a bag to carry home, and risk being apprehended and regulated by my parents, I began hiding them!  For the last two innings of the game it was like reverse Easter!  Not entirely sure where the phrase nook and cranny came from… but it applies!  In the clubhouse above lockers and in the inside of cleats!  I hid Twinkies on the concourse behind popcorn machines and under condiment stations!  Needless to say, I secretly ate a Twinkie every day for the remainder of that season, but I knew some were left behind.

8:59am  Ten years later, I was pitching for the Beloit Snappers, and traveled to Davenport to play the Quad City team.  Besides baseball, my only goal on my way to the field that day was finding at least ONE of those hidden Twinkies!  When we arrived I learned the stadium had been heavily renovated six months earlier, but I was still determined.  And immediately went hunting for two hours.  The next day I spent a few more hours looking before batting practice.  The last day I was underneath the bleachers on top of a storage room, when a stadium worker walked up and asked what I was doing.  I couldn’t think up a lie fast enough, so I said, “I’m looking for a Twinkie I may have left up here ten years ago.”  …he laughed.

To Be Concluded…

It’s 7:19am on Monday January 8th, 2018.  Wow, hard to believe it’s 2018!  I mean, my whole life I’ve been under the impression that I would have a flying car by now!  Televison, movies, 80’s toys, and my imagination have all fueled my expectations of having a car that can take off and fly through the air.  Soooo if you’re a scientistic aero-engineer person reading this brilliantly well written article right now… FIGURE IT OUT ALREADY!  Anyway, my name is Tim Dillard.  For the last 15 seasons I have been a pitcher in professional baseball.  Mostly in the Minor Leagues, but I did strike out new Yankees skipper Aaron Boone in the big leagues 10 years ago.  And because of my HIGHLY ordinary career… MLB Trade Rumors has declared me worthy enough to write words down for you to read.

7:23am  And in case you haven’t heard, and judging by the lack of views and comments you haven’t… this is my TENTH time writing my Inner Monologue!  I’m typing this particular morning because after several weeks of winter break, my children are finally going back to school! (THANK GOD!)  Except for my two year-old.  He’ll wake up in exactly 35 minutes… his unfathomable internal clock is exceeded only by his ability to Spider-Man up the side of his crib.

7:25am  The offseason winter break is almost over as well, and then it’s spring training.  Currently I’m signed with the Milwaukee Brewers for my 16th season.  And every week the entire winter, a member of the training staff will text me to see how my workouts are progressing.  Which is great, because when I first started playing professional baseball I didn’t have a cellular phone… so they would have to call me up on my parent’s cordful house phone.  One time my dad woke me up after lunch to tell me that my trainer was on hold.  Things have changed, because yesterday, when asked about workouts, I messaged back that I was wrestling with my kids.

7:29am  But much like other veteran ballplayers after being gone for seven months, the offseason is all about family.  And really just getting back to the simple things in life like eating dinners together, vacations, Little League games, birthday parties, visiting friends, school programs, soccer matches, Lego building, Googling third grade math questions, gymnastics class, basketball, performing on stage at Premios Univision Deportes… you know, the normal stuff.

7:32am  My typical offseason day consists of:  Wake up, bake the Eggo’s, pack the school lunches, drink the coffee, drink more of the coffee, and then work out or find some house work to do unil the bus drops the kids off.  In fact, the day I got home from the regular season last year… I walked in and changed nine lightbulbs.  To me, that perfectly sums up the offseason lifestyle.

7:34am  Who am I kidding?  The first thing I do when I wake up is check Twitter… and yes I do hate myself for it.  But after that, I do some of that other stuff I listed.  Last week I woke up to a tweet from Major League Baseball that featured a video of a player exercising, and they hash-tagged it #NoOffseason.  Actually, they tweet the #NoOffseason hashtag quite a bit… during the offseason.

7:38am  Hold on… the newest kid may have awoken?

7:41am  Never mind.  That was an Amazon delivery person. (paper towels)  You ever find yourself just buying crap in hopes that one day you’ll get an Amazon drone visit?!?  Yeah me neither.

7:42am  As of now the child is still asleep, but I must stay on alert.  Because last week he snuck out of bed, silently scaled the cabinets, and snagged some old baseball cards off a book shelf.  And rather than recognize my child’s immediate danger or applaud his impeccable balance… I got caught up reading the backs of the baseball cards just like I did growing up!

7:44am  I would like to say, that before Al Gore’s internet, the back of a baseball card was the BEST way to find fun facts and hobbies of my favorite players.

7:45am  Like… according to one of my cards of Ricky Henderson, he enjoys swimming and fishing.  A 1991 Score card states that Ken Griffey Jr. played 3 years of football, and 4 years of baseball in high school.  This Robin Yount card tells me that he wants to be a pro golfer and race motorcycles one day.  A 1987 Barry Bonds card says he majored in Criminal Justice at Arizona State.  Who knew?!  And also in 1987, Topps informs us that pitcher Sid Fernandez wears uniform #50 for two reasons.  One, his native home of Hawaii is the 50th U.S. state, and second, his favorite tv show is Hawaii Five-O.

7:51am  Next offseason… I want the, “Writing Cool Facts on the Back of Baseball Cards” job!  (I bet that could also get me a lifetime supply of that pink rectangle gum included in old baseball card packs that disintegrated immediately after touching saliva)

7:52am  In all seriousness though, most Minor Leaguers get jobs in the offseason.  The BIG bucks are in the BIG leagues, and that only leaves the small bucks for the minor leagues.  A few years ago I played winter ball down in Venezuela.  One year I worked at a leather factory where I would measure, fold, and ship giant cowhides. (I also operated a forklift without a license)  Another offseason I worked landscaping after I got turned down at the local sporting goods store for lack of experience.

7:55am  One of the highlights of spring training is hearing about where teammates worked during the offseason.  Over my career I’ve heard:  hitting lessons, pitching lessons, baseball camps, bartender, waiter, barber, UPS driver, golf course attendant, Lowe’s clerk, roof shingler, Office Max clerk, landscape “engineer”, Lululemon sales associate, and one very special shortstop who was once in charge of putting stickers on fruit.

7:58am  But right now it’s January, and every non-MLB-contract ballplayer is slightly paranoid about being ready to compete for a job in the coming spring training.

7:59am  And speaking of paranoia… I think I hear “Eggo.” echoing down the hallway.

To Be Concluded…

It’s 12:34pm on Tuesday September 5th, 2017.  My name is Tim Dillard.  I’m an elegantly bearded thirty-something-year-old-minor-league-pitcher, and a few days ago I finished my 15th season in professional baseball!  And every year I have been at some level in the Milwaukee Brewers organization!  Here’s more useless facts about myself… I ENJOY: short walks on the beach, the new wireless headphones I bought and haven’t told my wife about yet, saltwater taffy, wrestling with my three kids, cheap sunglasses, playing Clue, explaining Star Wars to teammates, and chronologically writing down my inner baseball thoughts… for money. (THANKS MLB Trade Rumors!)

12:37pm  Currently I have a window seat on a United flight from Denver to Memphis because, well, as you may already know… we made the PLAYOFFS!  That is right… for the first time in twenty years the Triple-A Colorado Springs Sky Sox Baseball Team has made it to the postseason!  The last time this happened, the team roster was filled with a bunch of players nobody’s ever heard of… like Craig Counsell and Todd Helton.

12:39pm  Can’t believe how packed this plane is right now.  I wonder if all these people are flying to Tennessee just for our playoff game tomorrow!  Pretty sure the guy sitting next to me is trying to read what I’m typing… and he may have stolen my peanuts. (I saw him eat two packs.)

12:40pm  You know, it’s hard to make the postseason.  Some players go their entire careers without making playoffs.  In the Triple-A Pacific Coast League, there are four divisions of four teams… and only the top four actually make the postseason.  So yep, it’s a big deal.

12:41pm  This will be the seventh time in my pro career to be part of a playoff team.  Six in America, and one in Venezuela. (¡Te amo y te extraño Águilas del Zulia!)

12:41pm  In 2003, my rookie ball team in Helena, Montana went to playoffs.  We didn’t win it all… and honestly that’s about all I can remember.  It feels like such a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…

12:43pm  In 2006, the Double-A Huntsville Stars made playoffs and almost won the championship!  It was an interesting year too because we were statistically the worst team in all of baseball the first half of the season.  Then we added a pitcher (Yovani Gallardo) and a third baseman (Ryan Braun)… and just like that, we became the best team in all of baseball the second half!

12:47pm  In 2007, the Triple-A Nashville Sounds made the playoffs but lost in the first round.  After we clinched and were spraying discount champagne in each others’ eyes… the Major League club called up half the team.  We lost the team camaraderie voodoo, and were easily defeated by the New Orleans Zephyrs. (Insert loud weeping emoji)

12:50pm  In 2008, the Milwaukee Brewers made an amazing run to clinch the National League Wild Card!  I wasn’t added to the playoff roster, but I WAS however nervously eating clubhouse cheesesteaks every inning in Philadelphia!  (We didn’t win… but I did gain seven pounds.)

12:54pm  In 2011, the Brewers again made the playoffs and almost went to the World Series!  And again, I wasn’t added to the playoff roster.  But this time I got to carry the candy bag, sit in the bullpen, and wave my proverbial pom-poms!

12:56pm  Ok, I gotta know… here’s a test sentence for the guy next to me.  Excuse me airplane passenger sitting in 32B, are you by chance reading what I’m typing?

12:57pm  Haha!  He laughed… caughtcha!

1:11pm  Alright, so mister 32B’s real name is Anthony!  Good dude.

1:12pm  He asked me how my season went… I told him I was a relief pitcher, but got to be the backup catcher last month during a game in Salt Lake City!  The team had a need, so I dressed in full catcher’s gear, and warmed-up and caught four teammates in the bullpen!  I even got to warm one up on the field in between innings!

1:14pm  I also told my new travel companion about the different game delays I witnessed at the ball field this season.  There’s your basic rain, wind, lightning, dust, and hail delays.  But then there’s also the more interesting delays:  There was the fog delay.  And the too many bugs in the lights delay.  And of course the… two snakes trying to eat each other in left field delay.

1:117pm  But truthfully it’s difficult for a player to judge how his season went.  Probably because we’re biased, and want validation that all the good outweighed all the bad.  That all the sacrifices may have accomplished something.  Like all the workouts.  Spring training.  Plane trips.  Bus trips.  Being away from family.  Away from friends.  The aches.  The pains. (Special shout out to my boy ibuprofen… love you big guy!)

1:21pm  However baseball is all about statistics.  It measures everything.  From route efficiency and WAR.  To sabermetrical something something and WHIP.  Let’s not forget OBP, OFA, OPS, and OPP yeah you know me.  Anyway, you get it, “Stats on Stats on Stats.”

1:22pm  Which is all fine.  Statistics are necessary, but sometimes stats just don’t tell the whole story of a player’s season.

1:22pm  For instance, the way baseball measures, oh I don’t know, let’s say… the relief pitcher.  E.R.A. or Earned Run Average is a solid way to calculate a starting pitchers effectiveness, but can actually be a disadvantage for a reliever at times.

1:24pm  So that’s why back in 2012 I invented PONAR!  I’m certain some of you have already heard of this “LEGIT” bullpen statistic, so you can stop reading.  But for the rest of you… P.O.N.A.R means:  Percentage of Outings Not Allowing a Run (my first adaptation was P.O.O.N.A.R… but I didn’t think anyone would take that seriously, so I dropped the “Of” part)

1:27pm  But yeah… PONAR!  Pretty deep huh?

1:28pm  Essentially, what my imaginary stat measures, is:  how many times a relief pitcher comes into a game and has a scoreless appearance.  So if a pitcher’s PONAR is 90%, it means 9 out of 10 times he doesn’t give up a run.  It’s better than earned run average (E.R.A.) because if a reliever is lights-out 9 out of 10 times, but the 10th time gives up 7 runs… he’s still a fantastic pitcher!… even though he has 6.30 E.R.A.

1:33pm  As opposed to a relief pitcher giving up 1 run in 7 of 10 appearances.  His E.R.A. would be the same at 6.30… but his PONAR would be a dismal 30%.

1:34pm  Make sense?  (Insert confused emoji)

1:34pm  Oh well… anyone out there have the phone number for ESPN’s super-analyst Tim Kurkjian!?  I need to text him something.  He may be the man who can help get my PONAR off the ground!

1:35pm  Speaking of ground, I need to make sure my seat back and tray table are in their full upright and locked position.

To Be Concluded…

It’s 8:02am on Sunday April 30th, 2017.  So here’s the gist… my name is Tim Dillard.  I’m a pitcher in my 15th professional baseball season, and currently in the Milwaukee Brewers organization with Triple-A Colorado Springs.  I think that’s it.  Oh yeah, I’ve been married for eleven years, and have three remarkable kids.  A few months ago I was minding my own business, when MLB Trade Rumors asked if I was interested in baseball blogging.  I asked if I could blog about movies instead, but they said no.  So here we are… in the midst of my SEVENTH Inner Monologue.

8:05am  Basically what I do is just write down my thoughts while logging the exact time.  Not sure what typing in the time, and putting it in bold accomplishes.  But I guess after the first time I did it, and nobody told me (to my face) that it was stupid… I just kept doing it.

8:07am  Right now our team is in Des Moines, Iowa.  Last night’s game against the Triple-A Cubs was postponed due to freezing temperatures, ice rain, hurricane-type wind, and lack of fans.  Today we’re supposed to have a day game, but could possibly turn into a night game depending on weather.

8:08am  Currently, I’m at the hotel trying to see how much I can type before my road-roomy vacates the bathroom.

8:09am  When I was grabbing coffee earlier in the lobby, a gentleman asked the front desk lady if he could order room service. (We stay at some nice hotels in the minor leagues, but I can promise you… none of them have room service.)

8:11am  Front desk lady was very polite when she told him they didn’t offer room service.  Then the man said, “Well, I guess it is what it is.”

8:12am  It is what it is?  You ever hear people say that?  First time I heard that expression was in 2007, and I’m still confused.  It’s like saying, “Well, you know oxygen is oxygen.” OR “You win some, you lose some.” OR “How’s a rainbow made?” OR “I’m calmly showing my maturity by hiding my frustration and disappointment behind a fancy philosophical-sounding statement that doesn’t change my current circumstances.”

8:13am  Well you know, baseball has a lot of interesting expressions too.  Especially in the minor leagues.  Such as:

“Wear it!”

“Skillets!”

“Clean it up!”

“Friends dues!”

“Save it meat!”

“Figure it out!”

“Have some feel!”

“There’s a window!”

“Hard in, soft away.”

“That GUY ’s in the SHOW!!??”

“Don’t like it?  Play better!” (or play worse)

8:16am  Anyway, I want to coin a NEW phrase in professional baseball.  And for some reason I thought now is the perfect time to divulge this special saying to the entire world! (Or at least the few people who read this… thanks for reading mom!)  And here it is:  “Do Less.” 

8:16am  Yep, that’s it, that’s the big one. “Do Less.”

8:17am  See, baseball is hard.  But sometimes it can appear simple when watching it on TV or from the bleachers.  For instance, the guy in the picnic area the other day who screamed, “Come on man!  Watcha thinkin’ gettin’ picked off!  I wouldn’t have gotten picked off!  Put ME in, coach!”

8:18am  In this particular case, the man had probably been drinking and was borderline unsober.  And still has every right to yell his opinion, but I reiterate… baseball is hard.

8:18am  Well during the game, in those most intense moments, players can sometimes feel the urge to dig deep or do more.  Like when a hitter wants to swing EXTRA hard or run EXTRA fast.  Or like a pitcher who wants to throw EXTRA hard or make a pitch EXTRA nasty.  But usually the opposite happens.  More often than not, the hitter misses, or breaks his bat, or pulls a hamstring.  And the pitcher, he usually throws a wild pitch or hangs a fun ball right down broadway.

8:19am  Do Less… just watch, it’ll be a thing.

8:20am  However, the most important thing about baseball sayings is knowing which one to use, and knowing when to use it.  I learned this lesson May 23, 2008.

8:20am  I was in Washington D.C., warming up in the visitors left-field bullpen, when the door opened.  Suddenly it dawned on me that just beyond the Nationals’ outfield grass and infield dirt, was my Major League Baseball debut!

8:21am  All I was thinking as I jogged out to the mound in front of 40,000 people, was… “Left.  Right.  Left.  Right.  Left.  Right.”

8:21am  Thankfully, without tripping, I managed to make it to the mound where veteran catcher Jason Kendall was waiting for me.  When he started double-checking my pitches and my signs, I was thinking about how many baseball cards I had of him growing up.

8:22am  Then he pulled his mask back down, turned to run back to the plate, and quickly said, “Here we go.”

8:23am  And for some unknown reason, I felt the need to say something back to him.  So out of all the words and phrases I know, my brain thought it’d be a good idea to intensely scream, “OK!  LET’S DO THIS!” (and yelled it like I was wearing giant headphones)

8:23am  It was enough for Jason Kendall to kinda stop, look back with a puzzled face, then continue his jog back behind the dish.

8:24am  All alone, standing there, on that mound, I spoke out loud, “Did I just tell… Jason Kendall… let’s do this!?”

8:25am  I felt very uncool in that moment.  Why would I say something so cheesy?  Why am I so awkward!

8:25am  And I’m pretty sure he told the home plate umpire what I said too, ’cause the whole time I was throwing my first major league warm-up pitches, the umpire was chatting with Jason Kendall then pointing at me and laughing.

8:27am  I still don’t know how it all happened, but… I guess it is what it is.

8:27am  Ah!  Think I just heard a toilet flush.

To Be Concluded…